In Hard Times

This has been a rough couple of weeks for me as a mother.

Nora has been sick and teething and sleep is hard to come by for the both of us (and sometimes Jacob too.)  I am not at my best when sleep deprivation takes it's toll.  It really does feel like I am getting less sleep than I did when she was a newborn.

And she is certainly the most clingy and more of a "Mommy's girl" than any of my other babes.  She wants me all. the. time.

As a result I have felt like my ability to lovingly care for my kids has decreased greatly.  I'm just so tired.  And impatient.  And sometimes not kind.  I try, I really do, but sometimes at the end of the day I wonder if my kids will remember me as a "mean" mom who just yelled all the time.  I hope not, I think not, but sometimes I'm just not sure.

I attended a funeral for an amazing sister in our ward (Marilyn Price).  I visit taught her for a little bit before Nora was born and I certainly loved her.  She was a friend to me and my kids.  So kind to my busy boys.  Her children spoke so fondly of their mother.  They talked of how she would comfort them and put her arms around them while she listened to their cares and how their day was.  She gave them cake and made them feel her love.  I wondered if and hoped that I would be remembered that way.

I've been praying and studying to find joy despite the frustration and physical exhaustion.  It's not easy.  I sometimes even wonder if I'm enjoying Nora's cute babyhood.  I hope so...but I'm sure when she is older and through this phase of life I'll wish I appreciated and enjoyed her more.

So, as I was sitting in the lobby at church this past Sunday, holding a sleeping Nora (it seems I'm always holding Nora), Brother Tingey came out of one of the doors.  He smiled at me and Nora and then started to go back into the chapel.  He turned and came over to me and said something of how he thinks I'm amazing at what I do.  He said something about seeing so much love from me to my family and how he thinks that is amazing.  I mumbled some sort of thank you in an embarrassed sort of way.

As he returned to the Chapel I started thinking about that more and realized for me at that time it was something sent from my Heavenly Father.  I don't know if Brother Tingey really thinks those things of me but I know Heavenly Father can see my feeble efforts and knows I am trying.  I need to be a little more kind to myself.  I am doing the best I know how at this mothering gig and I need to focus on the love I do have for this amazing family of mine.  My kids are pretty great and I hope they are making me better through caring for them.  I hope they know how much I love them and how happy I am to be mothering them.  I hope those moments that love and happiness are clear are the ones that my kids remember.

I also hope for a full nights sleep.  :)