Agency or Inspiration

I've been thinking a lot this week about the balance between our agency and seeking inspiration in the decisions we make. I find that I am somewhat faithless. And I think I lack faith more in my own ability to choose than in receiving inspiration.

This week I have had some difficulty. I have let myself get bogged down in doubt and fear about decisions I have made and it has not been pretty. I may have mentioned before that I am prone to worry. As a kid I would get so stirred up over little things, like math homework, that I would end up pulling my hair out one by one. (There's an actual mental health diagnosis for that, by the way). And this week I have been experiencing borderline hair-pulling kinds of stress and anxiety.

And I think it all boils down to having faith in my ability to be guided by the Spirit and make good decisions. And then trusting that it is good and has been ratified by the Lord and moving forward in that faith. I am living a righteous life and have no reason to question my ability to receive inspiration and guidance and to discern choices that are right for me.

And yet I found out just how easy it is to get to a very ugly place, very quickly.

So, here's hoping I am past it and can move forward with confidence!

Note Card Lists

I am learning more and more about why Jacob is a good fit for me and I think I discovered one of those reasons this weekend.

He and I were discussing things we could do last Thursday night and we came up with a list of about 20 things. He then indulged me in my favorite elimination game. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I got to his apartment that night and he was prepare to turn our list of possibilities into a more permanent sort of game.

We created a stack of note cards, each with one activity we would like to do written on it. The goal was to get through as many of the cards as possible this past weekend.

Sadly, Jacob's car died and that put a little bit of a damper on the note card fun. But, I am pleased to report that we were able to accomplish many of the things on our list. And we intend to continue adding to the list. Top on the list is a trip to Boulder. And I'm looking forward to taking that soon. But, before I jump ahead of myself, I would like to highlight some of the fun things we accomplished this weekend.

1. We made excellent mint cookies and cream ice cream (and learned that peppermint extract can go bad).

2. We also made really tasty mint chocolate chewy cookies that were pretty amazing.

3. We made super pizza and delicious tortilla surprise casserole.

4. We spent some time at Sam's club taking advantage of the shopping before Jacob drops his membership.

5. We tried Smashburgers. It was one tasty hamburger!

6. We tried to do a little fabric shopping and discovered Hancock Fabric is out of business.

7. We watched the newest X-files movie. (Watch out for it. It is so not good. Laughable really. The chemistry between Mulder and Scully was lacking, and the dialogue between the two of them was atrocious.)

8. I beat Jacob at RISK. (I employed Scott's strategy of holding Australia. Worked like a dream!)

9. Jacob soundly beat me at SkipBo...twice.

10. We began a study of an institute manual that will continue every Sunday. I'm excited about that.

11. We walked through a house for sale that had a pretty fun layout.

And, though it wasn't on the list, Jacob managed to fix his car. I was pretty impressed. And I learned a little about ignition coils myself.

I think it's pretty evident that my weekend was well spent. I also think it's pretty evident that I like to eat...good thing Jacob also enjoys cooking! Just one more reason we work well together.

A Year In Review

My last appointment of the day just cancelled so I am going to blog instead.

I saw this on facebook and thought it could be kind of fun.

YEAR IN REVIEW:

JANUARY 2008

1. Who did you kiss on new years? Maybe my little nephews or my mom.

2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year? I had a few. I'm not sure I really accomplished them but I think I did accomplish a lot in 2008. I graduated, got a job, all that good stuff.

3. Does it snow where you live? Yeah, but not enough lately. It's no Utah.

4. Do you like hot chocolate? I enjoy a cup or two a year. But not much more than that.

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No, and I probably wouldn't go during New Years. I have been at other times and it was crazy busy enough.

6. Do you ski or snowboard? Only cross country occasionally. Downhill scares me.

FEBRUARY 2008

1. Who was your Valentine? I did not have one

2. When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class? oh yes! Valentines day was fun as a kid.

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? Not really. I think it's a bunch of hooey.

4. What did you get for valentines? I don't think I got anything. Actually, maybe I got something from one of my roommates at the time.

MARCH 2008

1. Are you Irish? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

2. Do you wear green every year on St. Patrick's Day? I sure do. Even if I dont' really "wear" green I always have my green eyes as back-up.

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2008? I think I was at my internship and that was about it.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? I enjoy winter. But I like the changing of all seasons. So yeah, I am happy.

APRIL 2008

1. Do you like the rain? Yes, except if I have to drive in it. I may be weird but I would rather drive in the snow than the rain.

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? I wanted to so badly. A friend of mine said he would call my dad and pretend to ask permission to marry me. He woosed out.

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter? As a kid we had a pretty good sized amount. I really enjoy the Cadbury mini eggs and I think I ate a little of those. But mostly I was trying to scale back on the sugar. I think I'm always "trying" to scale back on the sugar.

4. Do you celebrate 4/20? I'm a substance abuse counselor. I don't think that would go over well.

MAY 2008

1. What is your favorite flower? Iris's and daisies. But I wouldn't turn my nose up at any others. I like flowers.

(I deleted the stupid middle two questions)

2. Is May anything special to you? I graduated in May and went on a good trip to New York. I also started my new job. So it was a decent month this past year.

JUNE 2008

1. What did you do for Fathers Day? I talked with my dad and went to church.

2. Did you do anything fun during this month? I'm not sure there was anything really memorable...maybe some outdoor fun like picnics, biking, volleyball and the sort.

3. Have a favorite baseball team? I'd have to say the Red Sox if I was forced to pick. But that's just because Scott likes them.

JULY 2008

1. What did you do on the 4th of July? Oh man! I love the 4th of July. I was at the Carter reunion and I ran a 5 k, went to a parade, had a barbeque, and watched fireworks.

2. Did you go to the fireworks? I watched the Stadium of Fire display from a hill by my Aunt's house.

3. Do you tan in the day? I don't lay out to get tan if that is what this question is suggesting.

AUGUST 2008

1. Did you do anything fun to end the summer? I'd say I ended the summer well. I started dating Jacob in August. And I enjoyed the Olympics.

2. What was your favorite memory of summer? Hmmm...The Carter reunion and any of the picnics and barbeques with friends. And, beginning to date Jacob.

3. Did you have a sunburn? Not really anything substantial. Some though

4. Did you go to the pool a lot? Nope. I don't have a pool. And I don't like swimsuits.

SEPTEMBER 2008

1. Were you attending school? No, I had finished my Master's!

2. Do you like fall better than summer? Heck yes! I love the fall.

3. Anything special about September to you? It was a fun month. I enjoyed going to Rocky Mountain and I think Elich's was in September. Or at least the very end of August.

OCTOBER 2008

1. What was your last Halloween costume? I didn't dress up.

2. What is your favorite candy? There are a lot of favorite candies. Depends on the mood. Right now I would say Reeses Peices. Those sound pretty good.

3. What is your favorite thing about this month? Watching the leaves change and driving in the mountains.

NOVEMBER 2008

1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? I went home to Utah.

2. What is your favorite thing about November? I love Thanksgiving and jacket and sweater weather.

DECEMBER 2008

1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Absolutely I do!

2. What are you thankful for? I am most thankful for family, friends, and the gospel.

3. Get anything special last year? I got homemmade slippers and the best new game ever! Anyone up for challenging me in the Office trivia game?

Where did you begin 2008? I began the year in my house, in FoCo, with two cats.

Did you move anywhere? I moved from one house to another one about a few miles away.

What concerts/shows did you go to? I don't think I went to many this year. Certainly none I had to buy tickets for. Oh wait, one I had to buy a ticket for.

Describe your birthday: I went do dinner with Jacob, Heather and Lori and then we played games and ate cake at Lori's house. It was perfection.

What was your best month? I'm going to go with July and August, with May as a very close second.

Do you have a New Year's resolution? I have about four. I would like to increase the consistency and effectiveness of my personal scripture study, I want to be more healthy, and I would like to increase my knowledge of current events.

Overall, how would you rate this year? This year has been pretty fantastic. I have surprised myself with how much I have accomplished and how many changes I've made. I am happy.

"The Mormons"

I'm sitting here at work and remembering a funny story that I failed to share from a group I held the Monday before New Years Eve.

One of the group members was asking what she could do on New Years and stay sober. The majority of the comments stemmed around hanging out with friends that don't use. This client indicated she didn't have any friends that didn't use. She was wondering how and where to find those kinds of friends. One of the other group members offered her this suggestion..."You need to be friends with the Mormons. Seriously, find some Mormon friends. I'm not tempted to do anything when I'm around them."

It was fantastic. Of course, none of my clients know I am LDS, so I just sat there and listened all the while just laughing in my head.

Then, as I began thinking more about that, I realized how great it was. And really it was a good reminder for me that I need to be the kind of Mormon that those friends were to my client. A good, positive example.

Ringing in 2009

So I had an interesting time celebrating the New Year. I wasn't able to take off enough time to be with my family over the holiday so I was back home. This is the first year I have not been with my family on New Years Eve and I did miss it. But not nearly as much as I expected I would. It was strange really. I thought I might be a little lonely and sad because I was really all alone. My roommate and good friends were in Costa Rica and Jacob was still home with his family. I debated about going to spend the holiday with Lilit and Aunt B, but after working 10 hours I didn't feel like any kind of drive. And I didn't feel like attending any of the parties happening with the single adults here. So I chose to stay home. Alone. And I quite liked it. Strange for me for sure.

I did make some of the Carter traditional snack food for dinner. Not nearly the spread they had, but I prepared what sounded the most good to me. Then I spent some time catching up on blog reading and watching a couple of movies. (I recommend Penelope. It was pretty cute.) And as midnight approached, I opened up a bottle of sparkling cider and began reading and writing in my journal.

So while it was certainly not the preferred way to ring in the New Year, I survived, and even enjoyed it a little.

I also found that I was more introspective than I would have been if I was with my family or at some party. The time to ponder the previous year and decide what changes I would like to make in 2009 was good for me. I think it's going to be a good year. I'm excited for what it may hold. I am also excited for attempting to achieve new goals. I'm not always that great about my resolutions, but I still think it's good to write some things down in the hopes that I will keep some things in my mind as I go through my day to day life.

But mostly I found myself full of gratitude for the good things that happened in 2008. I am grateful that I have a Father in Heaven who knows me and blesses me in ways I am certain I don't deserve, but ways that are perfect for me. His timing is perfect. And I am grateful for it. As 2009 begins I hope I can be a little better, a little more deserving of the blessings I receive, and draw a little closer to my Savior.