Poor third child. Already totally neglected. I haven't posted or written much about this pregnancy at all. So, in hopes of making up a little bit this post will be entirely about this 3rd little bundle of joy we are expecting.
I've had a lot of mixed feelings about this pregnancy and baby. I feel totally overwhelmed, a good chunk of the time, with the two wild boys I already have. Thinking of throwing another babe in the mix terrifies me. I don't know how I'm going to manage it all. But, I rely on the knowledge that this is the right thing for our family at this time. I know we are supposed to have this baby. And when I put my fears aside I'm really excited to cuddle with a newborn again. This will most likely be our last baby (I'm feeling really old and tired, we'll see if divine inspiration changes my mind later on) and when I think of that I wonder if I'll ever put the baby down. I'll probably just want to hold and rock this baby all day long. I'm excited to watch another baby grow and learn. Child development is so fascinating!
But as I think of all the really fun and cute things about a newborn I also start thinking of all the hard things. The long nights, the labor and delivery, and breastfeeding. Yes, those are in order of least to most frightening. I worry I'll have another really difficult baby. Ben was so easy going it's hard to see getting that lucky again. I worry about a hard delivery with complications. I've had a really good one and a really bad one and I don't want a repeat of the bad one. I worry about all the pain and challenges I've had with breastfeeding in the past but know I want to at least try again. Terrified of it though. It is the subject of nightmares...truly.
I think in some ways I've had a harder time getting excited about this baby without knowing for sure the gender. That seems silly, but it's a little true. I guess maybe knowing the gender for me helps make it all seem real. So, we are going to find out this week. Friends gave us money as a gift so we could pay for an elective ultrasound. I want to be able to decorate a room (I did paint it!) and get clothes ready. I want to settle on a name. (By the by, it's a girl! And I've already begun purchasing stuff for the room)
I also wonder if I'm gearing up for post partum depression again. I feel more bluesy during this pregnancy for some reason. I am tired all the time and starting to get pretty uncomfortable. I feel huge.
And in the same breath, I love feeling the baby move. I love the little (and not so little) kicks and turns. I love it when the boys talk to the baby in my belly. I'm excited for them as big brothers. I'm glad Isaac's a little older and, hopefully, a little kinder. I'm slightly nervous about how Benj is going to react.
I guess, all in all, I'm a mixed bag of emotions. Certainly not ready, but getting more excited as the weeks march on.
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