I guess this post is going to be a little bit personal. I have been feeling and thinking a lot lately and didn't take the chance to share in our Testimony meeting yesterday so I suppose I'm sharing here. A blog dumping of my thoughts and emotions if you will...
All my life I have wanted to have children. Lots and lots of children. Especially babies. I loved babies! I was the girl in sacrament meeting asking mothers to hold their babies. I figured I'd get married youngish and have at least 6 children. I'm the aunt who makes every attempt possible to be around the new nieces and nephews as soon as they are born. I loved babies.
Fast forward to now. I have a baby of my own. And it's been nothing like I expected. I find myself wondering if this thing I've wanted so badly, motherhood, is something I'm just not cut out to do. I worry I'm going to make some drastic mistake in raising Isaac or end up failing as a mother all together. And I am constantly surprised at how often I am thinking "I don't know what to do for this baby." I love Isaac but sometimes I don't like the day in and day out (not to mention the nights) of mothering. I seriously consider never having more children. And that contributes to my feelings of failure. And yes, I probably struggle some with postpartum depression, which makes all these hopefully natural and normal thoughts a little more severe.
Last week was Stake Conference. And despite my thoughts of skipping Sunday session after a rough Saturday night and attempting the adult session, we went. And one of the talks given was most definitely an answer to my prayers. I was out in the lobby with Isaac and had stepped outside for a minute. When I came back in a young mother was speaking and I'm pretty sure she was saying some of the exact doubts and fears I've had myself. She mentioned the many situations where she had "no idea what to do" for her children. She related a specific experience of praying and receiving guidance from Heavenly Father. She shared the "if any of you lack wisdom" scripture and discussed how God answers those parenting prayers. And then she shared a quote and I didn't catch where it was from, but it was exactly an answer to my own feeling inadequate prayer. It was this "no one has failed who keeps trying and keeps praying."
I found the talk this quote comes from by accident today. Last night I was watching this Mormon Message by Elder Holland: Motherhood: An Eternal Partnership. (Watch it. It's wonderful.) So today I decided to look up the full talk. (Read it. It's wonderful.) And there was the quote from Stake Conference.
I'm feeling a renewed confidence in mothering that can come when it is indeed a partnership with the Lord. I can do this! And I won't fail if I continue to be prayerful and rely on the Lord for strength.
I'm still not certain I can do it more than once, but one step at a time, right? :)
8 comments:
I think you've found the right formula!! Prayer is always a good option, and I'm confident you can be a great Mom with the help of the Lord. Hang in there.
I remember talking to Mom once and she said somehting about how you have to remember that you are not the only one that cares about how these kids turn out. They are Heavely Father's children as much as they are ours. That has helped me through some tough times. Heavenly Father wants the best for my babies just like I do and he will help me. I am sure you are doing a great job - just remember, none of us are perfect. Also, I cannot tell you how many times I told myself that Megan was going to be my only child. You will probably find that you can do it again and, hopefully, it will be easire the second time around. I know it was for me. Hang in there and thank for the thoughts.
Oh Sandy, you are precious. I am the opposite of you, as far as being a baby-lover when I was younger. Nope! I was never that YW girl who wanted to hold all the babies. Naah... no thanks. But now that I have nieces and nephews I LOVE them, even the girl babies... which I used to never like either when I was younger. Only boy babies. :) And I'm not married... nor do I have children... but I often wonder those same things: Am I cut out to be a Mom? Do I have what it takes? Will I be successful? If Heavenly Father has blessed you THIS far... and his given you the glorious opportunity to have Isaac and be in his life... I think He knows what you are capable of. Hang in there! :) I love you and hope things start to get a little easier...
I have felt the same way at times. Thanks for this post. I love it. And I love you.
I love your post too. And now I will embark on my long comment:
My mom always said to the kids in my family that Heavenly Father has a little sit down chat with the first children of families. He tells them how they have to teach their parents to be parents. I used to laugh at her, but now I agree. Those first children kind of have it rough. But they are SOO resilient. Bless them.
I think this is why you hear "Is this your first?" when you're pregnant. Because everyone who has a child knows what you're in for. And it's tough.
Also, nobody likes the crappy part. But it really is amazing how much you love that child, even when you hate what they're doing (waking every hour in the night, crying unconsolably, and biting while breastfeeding when they get teeth) Good times. Hang in there.
You wouldn't be a failure if you decide one is enough for you. I decided I shouldn't work toward a goal number, but pray and work that part out with Heavenly Father--he wants us sane for our child(ren), and if that means it's time to stop--then so be it. I'm at my sanity limit.
I love that talk by Elder Holland! I actually already had it bookmarked, along with this talk, http://lds.org/ensign/1997/05/caring-for-the-souls-of-children?lang=eng which has an excellent quote from Pres Hinckley at the end.
I tell AJ every other day that I wish these kids had an "off" switch so that I could just put them away until I feel better. However, usually an hour later they are making me laugh and/or are asleep. It ends up working out.
"One step at a time" is absolutely right.
I need to reread that talk. I feel the same way a lot of days. I used to want a bunch of kids but if the next one's as hard as Ansley, we're not having any more and I will have to keep stealing other people's babies.
I totally know what you mean. I didn't feel that way with my first, but when we had our second, he was so hard and I just didn't know if I could do it. But he is almost 2 now and I feel like we've gotten into a groove most days. But I'm about to have number 3 in May and I am SO nervous! I remember what the first few months were like with Taylor and I can't imagine doing that plus two older kids. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and looking in the right places for support and guidance. Being a mom is a hard job. I am definitely going to read through that talk again. Thanks for the reminder!
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